


I Hate To Wake You Up

by archura



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Blood, Character Death, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Canon, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:00:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25943257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archura/pseuds/archura
Summary: Andrew knew something was wrong.Maybe it was the weird feeling that blossomed on his chest. Or maybe it was the way Neil was hunching over himself, holding the cigarette with shaking hands.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 10
Kudos: 116





	I Hate To Wake You Up

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Blood. 
> 
> The suicide itself is NOT graphic and it is NOT written at all. 
> 
> Please be safe and let me know if i should add any specific trigger warnings.

One week ago today, Neil Josten died.

Andrew remembered that night. His cursed memory remembered every detail like it was sealed to his brain. 

He remembered finding Neil at the rooftop, sitting dangerously close to the edge. He was smoking this time, taking big drags from the cigarette like he was in some kind of rush. Even if he heard Andrew coming, he didn’t turn to look at him. He was wearing Andrew’s team jacket, ‘’MINYARD’’ was written in white on the back. Gray boxers. Orange socks. It didn’t need a genius to realize he left the dorm in a rush.

Andrew knew something was wrong.

Maybe it was the weird feeling that blossomed on his chest. Or maybe it was the way Neil was hunching over himself, holding the cigarette with shaking hands. 

He took quick steps to Neil. Couldn’t bear the feeling of worry he is experiencing. He stood a few steps away from him, patiently waiting for a sign of recognition. 

_Say something._

"Hey." Neil said after a moment.

Andrew didn’t say anything. Instead, he stared at him. He looked at Neil’s wet cheeks. He looked at his red, puffy eyes. He looked at him when Neil was lighting a new cigarette with shaking hands.

"I had a nightmare." Neil explained. He gave the cigarette to Andrew.

Andrew was not stupid. He knew it was more than just a nightmare. Neil had a lot of them. Almost every night, sometimes more than once in the same night. But none of them made him leave the dorm room. None of them made Neil cry.

Andrew finally sat at the ledge. Not as close as Neil was sitting, but still close enough to hear Neil’s shaky breaths.

_Talk. Explain. Let me help._

Andrew thought about grabbing his neck. 

"It’s okay." Neil said. "Just a stupid nightmare."

"Then why are you hiding in here?"

"If I wanted to hide I wouldn’t come here."

_Meaning: I wanted you to find me._

They sat there for a while. Andrew didn’t want to smoke that night, so he gave the cigarette to Neil instead. He waited for Neil to finish it, watching him as he took quick drags. 

Seeing Neil actually smoking was not a new thing to Andrew, but it didn’t happen a lot. So when that happened, Andrew would know Neil needed it. Just like tonight.

When Neil finished the cigarette, he turned to look at Andrew.

Andrew wanted to tease him by telling him to stop staring at him, but the weird look at Neil’s eyes stopped him.

"I hate to wake you up." Neil finally whispered. He looked tired. _And defeated and guilty._

"I don’t." Andrew answered. He stared at him like it could somehow help him understand what Neil was actually thinking.

Neil smiled. It wasn’t big. It wasn’t happy but it was sincere. Andrew would gladly take it if it was the only thing Neil could offer. 

Andrew held Neil’s hand. Neil held it tighter.

When they were back at their dorm, it was still early. Nicky and Kevin were already sleeping. It was only 11 pm but since they had a long practice today, they went to bed early. 

Andrew watched him as Neil lazily removed his (Andrew’) jacket and gently put it on the couch. When Neil was done looking weirdly at the jacket, he turned back to Andrew.

"Yes or no?" Andrew couldn’t help asking. He _needed_ to hold Neil.

"Yes."

He took quick steps to Neil. Cupped his face in between his hands and stared at him long enough to make Neil close his eyes in impatience. 

"Yes." Neil repeated.

Andrew kissed him.

It was soft, nice and warm. And Andrew could kiss him forever if he could. 

"Andrew," he heard Neil whisper, right after they separated their lips. "I want to hug you. Yes or no?"

Andrew was not a hugger. Everyone knew that. The feeling of being trapped by someone was not something he enjoyed. But this was Neil asking and Neil would never hurt him.

He said “Yes.”

Neil looked surprised but didn’t waste time slowly putting his arms around Andrew’s upper back. He put his face in between Andrew’s neck and shoulder and just stood like that. Andrew put his arms to Neil’s waist. Chin resting on Neil’s right shoulder.

It felt nice. And safe.

After a short minute, he felt Neil removing his arms. 

"Thank you."

"Shut up."

When they went back to their room, Neil didn’t follow him to the top bunk. Instead, he went to the bottom one.

Andrew was almost surprised. 

"Goodnight." Neil whispered.

Andrew didn’t answer.

Andrew woke up twice that night.

The first time, he woke up to the sound of the bed creaking under him. He opened one of his yes to watch Neil leave the room. He waited till he heard the bathroom door open.

He closed his eyes again. 

The second time he woke up, it was hours later.

He had no idea what was the time but with one look at the window, he knew it was still night.

He stood up quickly in bed, feeling the need of checking Neil to see if he came back to bed. He looked down. 

Neil was not in the bed.

_Something is wrong._

He jumped out from the bunk, didn’t care if he was loud enough to wake the others. He ran to the living room. Then to the kitchen. Not here.

With this chest heavy, Andrew moved to the bathroom. The lights were on. The door closed.

He opened it without even thinking about knocking it.

Andrew didn’t know what to expect. But he was not ready.

He froze. His right hand is still holding the doorknob. His eyes stuck on the body lying on the floor. His chest moved in panic, his hands started to shake but his body stood still. Something growled in his throat. 

"Neil," he managed to say. It was barely a whisper.

His eyes flickered around the bathroom. His brain trying to catch up with the scene he is looking at. He felt like he was having a nightmare. What he was seeing was not real. It couldn’t be real because it didn’t make sense. 

He wanted to move, wanted to make sure Neil was okay but deep down he knew it was too late. It was too late because there was too much blood and he knew it was too late because Neil was not moving.

He was too late.

He took a shaky breath. It burnt his lungs. 

He managed to take a step. His bare feet slipped in cold blood. When he realized walking was too much effort, he dropped on his knees and crawled like a baby towards Neil. His hands were covered in blood now. _Neil’s blood._ It was on Andrew’s hands, knees and legs and he wanted to scream and scream and scream but no voice escaped from his lips.

He put two shaking fingers to Neil’s neck. Trying to find a pulse that doesn’t exist.

Dead.

**_Neil was dead._ **

He gently picked Neil from the floor to his lap. His hands dyed auburn hair to bright red. He held him. Eyes looking at everywhere but Neil’s arms. He knew what he was going to see and he didn’t want to see it.

He stared at Neil’s pale face. He looked like he was sleeping and Andrew hated himself for wanting to believe that he was just sleeping. 

He wanted to kiss him. _One last kiss._ But a dead man can’t give consent and **yes or no** were not even options any more. He hated him. He hated him so much because he left him and he left him without a goodbye.

The scream finally escaped from his lips.

He was feeling. He was _feeling and feeling and feeling_ and he hated every second of it because feeling was not good and he tried so hard to not feel anything for all of his life and it was all ruined because of Neil.

Panicked steps ran to the bathroom. Andrew knew they were scared because none of them heard him scream before. Fuck, even Andrew didn’t hear himself scream before.

Nicky was the first one arriving. He looked at Andrew sitting in a pool of blood, holding Neil and a for a second, he looked so confused. _Andrew is bleeding? But why was he holding Neil?_

When Nicky realized what was happening, he screamed.

"NO!" Nicky yelled. "No,no,no,no,no,no! Neil!" He covered his mouth with shaking hands.

Kevin was next. He looked at Neil, his face twisted with a painful shock. Then he looked at Andrew. Andrew’s pained, cracked face. It didn’t make sense. He didn’t understand what was happening. His brain was foggy and couldn’t understand what he was seeing.

_Andrew’s mask is gone and he looks like he is in pain and Neil is motionless and there is blood._

His brain finally caught up.

**_Neil was dead._ **

"Fuck!" he yelled before stepping inside the bathroom. There was blood everywhere. His sock was wet with Neil’s blood and he felt sick. He wanted to cry and scream but he needed to make sure that Neil was alive.

He moved his hand to Neil to check his pulse but stopped quickly when Andrew spoke.

"Don’t touch him."

The voice carried so much emotion at once that Kevin had to stare at him to make sure it belonged to Andrew.

"Andrew," he whispered.

"He is dead. Don’t fucking touch him."

So Kevin sat there. Right next to Andrew and Neil. He watched as Andrew’s shaking hands held Neil in his lap. He watched him as he played with his hair. It was so gentle and slow and seeing Andrew this vulnerable made his heart ache. 

Kevin knew he wasn’t feeling anything yet, he was still in shock. He knew he would need a drink. Lots of them. It doesn’t feel real. Neil was not the type of person that would kill himself.

_This wasn’t real._

At some point, Kevin heard voices that he knew belonged to other foxes but his brain chose to block them. 

He didn’t want to hear anyone. He didn’t want to look at anyone. His eyes were glued on two people that mattered the most in that moment.

He watched as Andrew’s shaking hand grabbed Neil’s arms. Moving them to make sure killing wounds are not visible to the others. He watched Andrew as he put his hand back to Neil’s hair. Gently playing with now blood stained hair.

Kevin looked at Neil. 

He was sleeping. Just not waking up ever again.

Kevin felt his cheeks getting wet.

His eyes found Andrew again. Hating to see the raw pain covering his once apathetic face. 

He watched as Andrew leaned a little towards Neil’s body. Stopping right next to his right ear.

He whispered something Kevin couldn’t hear. 

Kevin didn’t want to guess what he said.

It ended like this.

Neil Josten died. All alone and bleeding.

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/archurabasty)


End file.
